Too sleepy.

I cannot commit myself, to stay, to live here, in this prison bed. There is a world to see, beyond the edge of these satin sheets. The gray light comes through the window as I awake and hits me like a million bolts to the eye, I want to run out but I have failed. To let my thoughts become the actions I prevail in. I feel too afraid to move my weaken body, to get off the comfort zone created by my own self, and so I am imprison by my cradle. I think to myself, every morning every day.

Getting rid of....

I’m dropping the last of my love

In the ocean. Where

It shall sink to the deepest waters

Touching the darkness with its foot,

And cracking it’s head open on the sharpest rocks,

While it falls into eternal sleep.

I’m shooting up the last of my love

to the sky. Where

It shall go so high above in such rapid speed,

a thousand birds shall be

fed with your lies.

That’s how immense my love is.

I’m pushing my love for you

in front of a car.

I shall step on the gas, and make my car go so fast

By the time that I’m done,

My love

will be non-existent.

And neither will you.

Him

I will no longer try to turn you into the man you used to be,
when I wanted you, when I would've made you my all.
I could've done it all, ignored them all,
gave it all up.
That's how much I was willing to do for you.
When you were enough to me.

but you gave me bits and pieces, of the love she held
so tightly in the palm of her hand.
You were never mine, although, in my dreams,
you were always my own.
Why was I not enough to keep away all of your fears?

My Heart in a Square Shaped Box

Hundreds of elongated streets to chose from,

Yet, I’ve taken the blazing concrete path which burns

The soles of my shoes to the ground

 a little more

 with every step

 that I take.

Closer to you, further from home.

I see you at the distance, in your Penguin uniform,

Glancing at me, anticipating my arrival,

Waiting to say the right words,

So the world knows,  

While I leave bits and pieces of myself splashed

Among the sacred path,

I can hear my heels

play the background music

 to the tears I drop,

They hit the ground, in a shaking manner

As I see the melted portion of myself turn into water,

I can hardly recognize where I have been and who I was

But here I am,

Bringing my heart to you, in a square shaped box,

And you place it on you ring finger.

Who I am

I am outspoken and honest 
I wonder about life and it keeps me up at night 
I hear water drops 
I see rose buds everywhere 
I want to live far away 
I am outspoken and honest

I pretend I'm never defeated 
I feel unicorn like sometimes 
I touch the sky sometimes 
I worry about youth and poverty 
I cry with love movies 
I am outspoken and honest

I understand God has a plan for us 
I say we shouldn't take life too serious 
I dream about my dreams coming true 
I try hard to befriend everyone 
I hope you now know who I am 
I am outspoken and honest

The Unclassy people you used to know.

          When did you become so easy?.. and by easy I don't mean easy going, laid back, chill. Don't get me wrong, I am not hating, because I honestly don't care about nobody's life. That's right, I don't. I am selfish like that. I'm in college, with no bills to pay.. and yet almost always broke.. because I spend my $$ on things that wont even be wearable next season, so who am I to judge you anyway.
           As I sit here half asleep and try to analyze when was the last time, I didn't see you drunk, or high or too "involved" with a boy you barely know?...uhmm  my mind just went blank.
          Is it wrong for me to intrude in your life even if it is just all in my head?... we'll most say yes. If this was you I was telling face to face you probably will agree as well. Because like the rest of America you like to tell yourself things like "Your opinion doesn't matter", "who are you anyway" blah blah...

  Right.


So I guess after all, it is okay for me to feel the way I feel about you, and to think these things of you when I wont say them out loud?... Isnt that what people want?... To have stuff said behind their back so they don't have to deal with the after math?... or is that just me?... It's though staying classy now days. oh   wait.. no, i don't.

Although we've known each other for a long long LONG time, why we were friends to begin?...
Today, I could never explain.

The bunch of things I know nothing about.

I don't think I understand what I'm doing here?... When I look in the mirror I can hardly recognize myself anymore. I wonder if other people stop and think the same thing i think about them, "In their place I would..." or do they even care enough about me to think of possible scenarios of what my life may be like. Sometimes I break down inside, just because I know I can. It happens randomly, when I'm surrounded and yet alone. I like taking chances though, I don't have a problem with starting again, but moving on is difficult. Lately I have noticed that it's easier for people to just leave. People who have grown in areas where they find themselves only wanting more, looking for better opportunities that aren't offered where they reside. and then I wonder. If I'll become this individual sometime soon?.. but I am so young. I am only 20 years old, how can i be thinking of leaving. My cousins still live at their parents homes, and so do all of my childhood friends who aren't married with children. and then again... I didn't grow up like the rest of my friends. SO IT HITS ME, I may ALSO have to move away from everything i've known in order to be successful in life, but who wants to be successful? too much stress wouldn't you say?.. maybe I just don't really know what that's like since I haven't had much success in my life anyways.


I am so pressured to do well, like Jesus can I just do good all on my own? just because I want to? Just because I care? Does it really have to be because if i don't do good in school I'll fail out of college, where i'll lose my scholarship then I'll end up being a Circle K clerk for the rest of my life(no offense to Circle K workers or any other sort of clerk). I just really wish I could throw in the towel. Go to sleep an not have to wake up at 5 in the morning to get myself to school and be at my 7:30am class. Ugh i am just so over college I feel lost, i hate my major, my teachers my campus.. I hate almost everything about it. And all because I am so soooooo far away from everything i've wished would happen.. I guess you learn the hard way. So i can't be everything i ever wanted to be growing up because the classes bore me, and obviously that isn't for me. So now I'm wasting a year of my life in a major where I am taking classes that make no sense to me, only because I was so utterly bummed out about failing at my first try of a major. and I find myself wanting to change into a new major, where I can see a certain future, but feel so dumb because now i have lost 2 years of my life doing.. what? Nothing IN MY BOOK. I just wish I would've realized earlier.. This is annoying!!!!... So i'm sorry if sometimes I just feel like I want to shout. I have reasons why!!... and waiting on an e-mail that may change my entire life at least for a semester does not help me at all either. I just cannot wait to find out what's next.


Dear God, I am not afraid, I am excited :)