I don't think I understand what I'm doing here?... When I look in the mirror I can hardly recognize myself anymore. I wonder if other people stop and think the same thing i think about them, "In their place I would..." or do they even care enough about me to think of possible scenarios of what my life may be like. Sometimes I break down inside, just because I know I can. It happens randomly, when I'm surrounded and yet alone. I like taking chances though, I don't have a problem with starting again, but moving on is difficult. Lately I have noticed that it's easier for people to just leave. People who have grown in areas where they find themselves only wanting more, looking for better opportunities that aren't offered where they reside. and then I wonder. If I'll become this individual sometime soon?.. but I am so young. I am only 20 years old, how can i be thinking of leaving. My cousins still live at their parents homes, and so do all of my childhood friends who aren't married with children. and then again... I didn't grow up like the rest of my friends. SO IT HITS ME, I may ALSO have to move away from everything i've known in order to be successful in life, but who wants to be successful? too much stress wouldn't you say?.. maybe I just don't really know what that's like since I haven't had much success in my life anyways.
I am so pressured to do well, like Jesus can I just do good all on my own? just because I want to? Just because I care? Does it really have to be because if i don't do good in school I'll fail out of college, where i'll lose my scholarship then I'll end up being a Circle K clerk for the rest of my life(no offense to Circle K workers or any other sort of clerk). I just really wish I could throw in the towel. Go to sleep an not have to wake up at 5 in the morning to get myself to school and be at my 7:30am class. Ugh i am just so over college I feel lost, i hate my major, my teachers my campus.. I hate almost everything about it. And all because I am so soooooo far away from everything i've wished would happen.. I guess you learn the hard way. So i can't be everything i ever wanted to be growing up because the classes bore me, and obviously that isn't for me. So now I'm wasting a year of my life in a major where I am taking classes that make no sense to me, only because I was so utterly bummed out about failing at my first try of a major. and I find myself wanting to change into a new major, where I can see a certain future, but feel so dumb because now i have lost 2 years of my life doing.. what? Nothing IN MY BOOK. I just wish I would've realized earlier.. This is annoying!!!!... So i'm sorry if sometimes I just feel like I want to shout. I have reasons why!!... and waiting on an e-mail that may change my entire life at least for a semester does not help me at all either. I just cannot wait to find out what's next.
Dear God, I am not afraid, I am excited :)
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